Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Rumble strips road head = magical
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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