Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
