the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
