she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
