plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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