So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
