Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass