So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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