hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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