Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
