So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Randomize
