Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
