im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
