Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
