The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
