I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
