I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
