Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
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For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
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"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once