I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."