We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit