if i can run in heels then i can drive
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
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I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
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You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.