I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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