Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
