if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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