just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
