So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
