my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
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i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
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I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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