hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
