so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
