I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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