Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
