This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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