if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
