what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
