I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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