We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
