Texts From Last Night

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  (760): View more from California

  Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...

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  (760): Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some... http://tfl.nu/wqbb
  Replies (18) Good night (5269) Bad night (884)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.

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  (206): I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before. http://tfl.nu/t0my
  Replies (21) Good night (945) Bad night (5857)
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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  (225): I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one. http://tfl.nu/gflz
  Replies (11) Good night (4870) Bad night (1070)
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  (925): View more from California

  I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.

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  (925): I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard. http://tfl.nu/47cs
  Replies (13) Good night (3187) Bad night (1415)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.

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  (305): I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having. http://tfl.nu/q5k9
  Replies (17) Good night (3676) Bad night (1403)
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.

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  (321): Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked. http://tfl.nu/cr3f
  Replies (8) Good night (2485) Bad night (662)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high

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  (610): he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high http://tfl.nu/1b4w
  Replies (2) Good night (1545) Bad night (769)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.

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  (215): You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk. http://tfl.nu/rohk
  Replies (10) Good night (2689) Bad night (731)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.

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  (570): Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan. http://tfl.nu/2zix
  Replies (4) Good night (1010) Bad night (476)
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  (315): View more from New York

  she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

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  (315): she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot http://tfl.nu/7zmw
  Replies (7) Good night (2234) Bad night (463)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Tuesday

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  (508): What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you... (860): Tuesday http://tfl.nu/gel8
  Replies (4) Good night (1653) Bad night (333)
• Favorite

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Does the room smell any better?

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.

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  (606): Does the room smell any better? (859): Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless. http://tfl.nu/3ric
  Replies (12) Good night (1010) Bad night (411)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.

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  (540): When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become. http://tfl.nu/2ybp
  Replies (1) Good night (472) Bad night (280)
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now

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  (662): I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now http://tfl.nu/ipud
  Replies (2) Good night (238) Bad night (357)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"

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  (630): I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?" http://tfl.nu/t0nn
  Replies (2) Good night (417) Bad night (185)

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