Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
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Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.