youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs