Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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