no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
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My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
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I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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