The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
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