mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
