i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
