Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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