I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
