left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
