i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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