i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
