I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She bit a glass in half.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
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i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
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I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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