Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if only i could text you this smell
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
