You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
