His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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