It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
