i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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