I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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