you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
