I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
